To my experiences

This post is shout out to all my experiences; I call the people I interacted on an intimately level “experiences” because I don’t have exs. Besides the guy I touched on before in the story about “puppy love,” no one can claim me as an ex. You were not around long enough or just weren’t interested in taking things further. Nonetheless, thank you. Whether it was a good experience or a bad one, they were all lessons to be learned; chapters to be written in the book of my life.

I learned to stop settling; if they don’t see you for the prize you are then move right along. Stop wasting your time trying to prove your worth, stop doubting your worth, and learn to be comfortable in waiting for the right one to come and sweep you off your feet. I know, it sounds like a fucking fairytale. Understanding your worth open doors you didn’t know NEEDED to be open: you love yourself more, the way you carry yourself changes, and ultimately, you will attractive the right energy because you understand your worth. This is not an easy task because of the simply fact that life keeps moving forward regardless of the setbacks in your life. I have mostly come around to the idea that I want a family but since I’ve been slowly realizing my worth, I can’t seem to find a guy I like right now. Time is ticking.

I learned it REALLY isn’t me. I know we’ve all either been told this or heard the phrase ” It’s not you, it’s me.” I know people say it as a way to try not to hurt the person they are telling this to feelings, but sometimes that phrase is ACCURATE! You right, it ain’t me…. YOU got issues! People think happiness is in the form of society and that’s incorrect: happiness is a mental journey that only stops in the grave. Materialistic items, money, and even people will never truly give you the happiness you crave. Just browsing on the internet you can see the unhappiness across the world. So what makes you think that just because you are giving someone your all, they won’t still do you wrong. It’s not you hun, it’s them: people don’t realize the internal hurt that makes their character the way it is. Don’t beat yourself up and question yourself because the person you wanted to be with decided that they weren’t going to be fully on board. Their decision is not your fault and it doesn’t make you ANY less of a potential partner for another. Try again with love!

I learned that I should come out of my shell more often. The main problem I’ve noticed I had with my “experiences” was that the communication was always off. Now, I am a chatterbox BUT only if YOU initiate the conversation. Growing up I was shy and quiet: when I did start talking, I was annoying. So from teenaged years till now I only talk when I am being spoken to; something the “experiences” in my life did not like. I’d get complaints that I never call or text first, I’m always flopping, and I make time for my friends but never them. ALL ONE HUNDRED PERCENT TRUE! I do not call or text first, when I did that during my early years the men would be mad disrespectful so I stop that; if you want to holla at me, you’re going to have to make the moves. I do flop 90% of the time; I AM SHY ASF! I am not fully satisfied with my appearance and men are a different species to me, so naturally I’m not good with encounters. I do realize now that I need to be more open into seeing where the relationship could go, rather than waiting for the shit to hit the fan. I need to be more interactive with the next partner I have so they can truly see what I have to bring to the table. I had some maturing to do because I didn’t really take any of my experiences seriously until the last few. Even then, I still held back because of the safety of my shell; can’t trust people.

This is my most important lesson: DO NOT SECOND GUESS YOURSELF! 9/10 I’ve been right about every odd/bad feeling I had about the person I was “talking” to. I’ve always tried to be the one to give people the benefit of the doubt but I learned real quick that I just might be psychic. I’ve had people debunk everything I had to say about someone because they swore they were a good person; SIKE, that dude is the devil’s spawn sis. Trust your gut. I could always tell where the relationship was going because I’m TOO perceptive. If you read my “about me” you already know that I’m a science geek; I want to go to school for psychology so you can’t pull the wool over my eyes. Problem is, my heart is too big. I try my hardest not to treat people the way they constantly treat me and that’s why I should have followed this lesson more closely. Second guessing myself led me to deal with bullshit that I didn’t have to deal with if I had just trusted my instincts.

Last but never least: SILENCE IS KEY! This lesson is the only lesson that I’ve truly used in EVERY single experience that I’ve had. No more long talking; that back and forth bickering, throwing things, sad songs, tears on your pillows, and tit-for-tat shit is OVER! Repeating yourself constantly only for them to get it right for a day then go back to treating you like shit is bullshit. Stop talking and start doing. When I realize that the situationship wasn’t going anywhere, I left. I’d send them one final message and end it with “Have a good life,” my way of sending blessings your way but letting you know that you will 98% likely never hear from me again. It makes no sense for you to continue to explain to someone how you should be treated, if they didn’t get the memo already then it’s time for you to leave them alone. Understand this, you don’t need to tell someone who truly cares about you how you should be treated, they already know.

based on a true story

She was living the life!

Started working for a big franchise company and the pay was amazing; it was weekly too! That kind of pay makes it hard to save if you don’t know how to: you get caught up in the fact that you know next Friday is a new pay check, so why not blow this one? On top of that she didn’t really have to pay for a lot of things because that’s what the men were for, to be honest. Let me tell you for some reason the men were loving her off and treating her like a goddess. Anything she wanted she could easily get with a sway in demeanor: a sway in words that for some reason worked on too many men. What do you call a female like this? A gold-digger? A hoe? A Sugar baby? I mean… she didn’t ask for this life, it kind of just came on its own. Started when someone asked to massage and suck her toes for $300, what world do we live in that people just ask random females for this? Also, what kind of world do we live in when the female: in the end, says yes? A Wild World. Perfect timing nonetheless, she needed the dollars: payments adding up. They met, he did what he paid for, and she was left in awed because it was the best massage she ever had; on top of that she learned something new that day, the foot is closely tied to the vagina. Clearly there are stimulants on the foot that stimulate your lady parts and she had no idea until that day.

A week later there is another one, only this time not so much fetish but more just likes to take care of their “lady.” He was the guy of the hour, they talked for months, and met up more times than any guy she’s talked to before him. His first expense was dinner, he took her to a upper class restaurant downtown where the cheapest steak costed $70. For a damn steak? What’s type of prestigious animal did you kill for this to be $70? Even if she had the money, she wasn’t going to give it away for a damn steak; that’s weed money. So he did. He paid for her $70 steak with ALL the trimmings and paid the more than $300 bill when it came. Drunk, high, and with her belly full she was content. That was in 2017 and even after they stopped talking on an intimate level, he continued to pay for 80% of her meals until last year. We aren’t talking about meals that they eat together, we talking 80% of ANY meals she ate ANYWHERE he paid for. She’s an asshole right? Using the poor man for his money, right? She didn’t ask, she told him he doesn’t need to do this, and she declined NUMEROUS offers but he didn’t care. He sent anyways.

There was a time when the block used to call her “foreign,” she was always hopping out of expensive cars. No foreign car? No her. It was at this time she met the newest and highest tax bracket. He was a foreigner: so were his clothes, cars, and money. Confident, handsome, sexy, strong, and from the looks of it: fearless. Pure chance: a night out in the city she barely knew and new experiences awaiting her. they met. Alone for 10 minutes at the bar because her friends had gone off to talk to some guys, he approached her asking if she wanted a drink. ” No thank you” she said; ” I have one already.” He looked at her half empty glass and called the bartender over for a refill. UMMM… So it’s like that? We just gon ignore what the lady said and do what we want? MEN! Always trying to be these UNCALLED FOR dominant people, relax buddy. She stared at him annoyed; he got the hint, left the money for the drink, his card and walked back to his table. “Did this guy just leave me his business card?” she thought. She looked at the unknown money and the card; his name, business, and phone number were on it and on the back of the card it read: you deserve better. The fuck you know what I deserve? Who is this fucktard? She grabbed her drink and headed over to his table. “What is this supposed to mean?” she asked. He ended up telling how he’s been here for a while and has been watching how the night was going for her and her friends. Creepy. He explained himself, which ended up making sense because she knew her and her friends were loud, bubbly females. He summed up that he seen how her friends were treating her and thought she deserved better friends. The fact that they left her alone at the bar for almost half n hour now kind of made her realize that he was kind of right. FOR MALES TOO! Like who leaves their friend for males they just met? Where are your morals. They ended up talking for over an hour, her friends came back saying they were ready to go, and they said their goodbyes. A month later, he messages her saying he’s back in town. He was an international business man: he went where the business went. They met up for the second time; the first being at the bar, and they had a blast! At the end of the night, he hand her a box and said “για το τέλειο στολίδι” (I hope it’s right I used google translate); for the perfect gem. Inside was a small but beautiful gem stone worth $3000 in Canadian currency. Who gifts people this kind of shit? She gave it back, he insisted she take it and eventually; two weeks later, she did. Till this day she still has this gem even though she has lost contact with this man. She spent the next four months she had with him trying and learning new things: different food, different music, and different cities; in a whole, just a new type of lifestyle. Never spent one dollar of her money and developed a new slight like for shopping. She knows now when she does have the right amount of funds what kind of clothing to buy; he gave her a new outlook on fashion. This is when she developed the character of never settling: always striving for more, for better.

These were just the major or more profitable experiences she had with these types of men. There are more than 30 other experiences where she has been spoiled by the male need to be in charge. Things as simple as: paying for her nails, weave, her hotels, allowance, and dinner dates (yes, some meals she invited someone else to was actually paid for with other men’s money). Her friends must have enjoyed a few of their birthdays when she didn’t mind dropping money for their event because it actually didn’t hurt her own pockets. Life was good for her until she realized that unless she secures her name in a will, she can’t live on the money of others. She has to be the boss of her own life and make her own change, so she bought a new phone and changed her number; a fresh start. Make a name for herself and pursue her goals for the future she wants for herself and her family: current and future.

No Cap! Opposite Sex

My experience with the opposite sex was a different type of playing field, like playing in a minefield. You never truly know what you’re going to get because females are way more emotional than men.

My first interaction was not my choosing, my baby sitter was the first girl to ever “hit” on me. I use quotations because it wasn’t appropriate at the time; I was a child. I assume this is why I subconsciously developed a crush on Asians.

My first REAL encounter was with a female who used to live near me; T. We started as friends but I had no idea she was like that. She came onto me and I denied it. She kept trying, eventually more forcefully and we ended up fooling around because I couldn’t deal with it anymore. She tried again, still wasn’t down for it but I gave in and we exchanged oral favors in a parking lot between two cars. Not one of my finest moments but I was thirteen and impressionable; first and last time I ever gave a girl head.

My next encounter was with the female you guys have already heard about in my post about being catfished and being a catfish; Dee. She was my first “relationship”; again I use quotations because I don’t really consider us to have been in a realistic relationship because all we did was talk on the phone and fool around. Seems kind of like a fuck buddy to me. Oh well.

My final encounter was weirdly my best. It went from her trying to talk to me to us becoming closer in which we thought was intimately until we figured out it was more so us becoming best friends. My sweet melly. I met Melissa randomly when I followed a few friends to a rave. Super cool white girl who posed in magazines for the LGBT community in Canada: she was beautiful. Most gorgeous blue eyes I’ve ever seen in front of me. We hit it off that night because we bonded over all the songs we could sing word for word that played that night. Two drunk strangers singing loudly, smoking loud, and having a blast! We exchanged numbers and she ended up inviting me to a house party she was throwing at her house in Windsor. SICKEST FUCKING PARTY I’VE EVER WENT TO – TO DATE!! She had bowls FILLED with weed with little scoopers to pick it up to roll with, she had every type of alcohol, arcade game machines, cotton candy and popcorn machines, she had video games, a HUGE ASS JUMBOTRON TV, and not to mention the décor of the house was RIDCULIOUS! Shorty was clearly loaded! ON top of that we were in a mini house, her parents actual house was on the same property just up a hill. They built that mini house for her when she was younger so when she was older she had a place to chill by herself if she wanted. Lucky ass hoe! lol I partied hard that night, we ended up alone in her room, and she change my views on how the body works. I didn’t think my body could do shit she made it do. That’s when I learned when it’s a good, I twitch… like exorcist twitch! ROFL! We woke up the next day and it was like nothing happened. That was the first and last time we ever did anything physical. The days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months, I really fucked with this girl. She was smart, inspiring, and always made me feel special actually. I don’t do “best friends” but if I were to call anyone that, it would be her. When I found out she passed away, I could have sworn my heart stopped.

I know I haven’t made the best decisions or I haven’t gone through the best parts of life but at the end of the day everything has been a lesson to learn. I learned that if I have children I will be EXTREMELY cautious of who I leave them with, I learned that even females can rape you, I’ve learned that when you’re thinking that trying the other team is better: it’s not, and I also learned never to take things for granted. The hard question has always been: Am I apart of the community? I don’t believe I am because I just can’t see myself with a female for the rest of my life but that doesn’t mean I can’t admire the female form in it’s beauty. Woman are beautiful and I admire just that. Just the way I admire men, I can look at both sexes and see the beauty and desire for either or. I just know I want a husband. Nonetheless, these were lessons I needed to learn and I’m still thankful. I know all the church folks gonna be shocked and salty about this post but like I said before, this is my truth. God is the only judge and he already knew all of this. All have come short of the glory of God but all can be forgiven. Amun.