dear diary

I’ve done it again, developed feelings for another unavailable guy. Shameful. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I am needy or am I just going about this the wrong way? You have hope in certain things happening in your life but yet WHO TOLD YOU IT WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO? Just because you start to like someone, doesn’t mean by some sheer miracle they will like you back. It’s a sad reality but a reality nonetheless, so here I am upset at myself, AGAIN, for allowing myself to feel for another person. I had truly made up in my mind that I was going to be done with the male species, but unfortunately my heart didn’t feel the same way. It still wants love. It still wants to feel love. It still wants to be desired and coddled. Deep down I know that this shit really isn’t for me but damn I can’t seem to completely drop all hope that there isn’t a love out there for me. I don’t know why but for some reason like; the two others, I thought this might be different. It’s not like I didn’t know he was emotional unavailable, I just thought I could be strong enough to overcome the need to be with him because I kind of seen him as another “one of the man dem” type of guy. All those nights spent together kind of messed things up. I slowly started to want more but I denied the growing in my heart and I’m stupid for that. Only when it was too late and I had finally figured out that I liked him, did I decide to kind of ghost him. Taking a month off to really just chill and get back to the task at hand: going to heaven and becoming wealthy. All this stress from what’s going on with my body health wise and now this stress of me having to deny myself my true feelings because there’s no point. I’ve realize it’s just a sexual situation between us so I need to chill out. He said something to me that actually kind of change my view on him and it sucks because I thought he was better than that. Now I’m just irritated and I don’t watch anything he does because I’m low key pissed off. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I try to express myself and draw out the real truth from a man’s lips and I get called names: whack, sensitive, miserable, too emotional, extra, bitchy, etc…. so what the hell is the point in trying? I’m just going to stay silent. Eventually, he will fade away like the rest and it’s back to square 1. Life.

[Bee signed out]

Dear Diary

It’s a new month and that means new movements! Change is upon us right now so let’s start by getting our body in check. Lately I’ve been working on my mind and it’s truly changed for the better. Started giving myself more credit, slowly starting to own my existence, and I’ve become less inclined to feel a way about people’s opinions. The work is not over but we are going to pause for a second to sort out another situation. Idk how this change is going to go in regards to the people I am around but nonetheless it’s a change that must happen so they will just have to deal with it. My body has been taking some abuse for a while now it’s time to change. My birthday is coming up soon which is also gonna be a milestone, so I have to prepare myself for a new line of thinking. Here’s to becoming the best me I can be.

[Bee signed out]

Dear Diary

Change is in the air and it smells like bull crap. Now don’t get a girl wrong, change can be a beautiful thing: it shows growth and understanding, but is it bad for me to say it’s too late? Like you had a chance to truly change the outcome of your actions but didn’t care, so is it wrong for me to turn around and not care for your change? It’s too little too late. You had a chance to make things right but decided to continue to treat people bad. NOW this doesn’t mean I won’t accept your apology, it just means that it’s too late for us to move forward. Second chances have never been a thing for me: in my head you work out what needs to be worked out and treat people right the first time. Idc if you’ve changed your ways after the fact, if you truly loved and respected someone certain things you wouldn’t do. Certain words won’t be said and certain actions won’t be displayed. I am no different, only thing is I admit when I mess up, I can apologize for my wrong doings even if I’m in the right. Change is in the air and it smells like freedom. Freedom from the people who didn’t care about me but want to come back after the fact. There’s no second time around with me, so take your leave and be blessed. 🙏🏿

[Bee signed out]

Dear Diary

11:58pm.

I’m tired, zoning in and out, moody, and cold… I just want to get home. Cruising like I couldn’t careless; I usually speed… but today I’m doing the exact same number that speed limit sign says: 60. Car on cruise so I don’t have to keep my foot on the pedal… I’m still zoning out. Finally I “come to” and realize I’m catching up to a slow truck.. instead of braking my mind said to pass him. 67 as we go over a hill I see a truck coming on the opposite side… fuck. 103. Near miss. I almost died. If it wasn’t for the truck driver swerving his car just enough for my small car to fit perfectly, we would have hit. If it wasn’t for the heavens making that decision in the background to fix the situation, I probably wouldn’t be typing this right now. Creepy. I felt nothing. Not nervous, relieved, scared or shocked; it’s like I accepted my fate or I simply knew nothing was going to happen. I’m still not sure.

12:28am .

I got home and sat in my car for a bit thinking about what just happened and how I lacked any true emotions about it. Constantly in a rush with life, I made a decision that could have costed me everything: literally. lessons are always being learnt. Slow down. You rush into love, sex, being rich, working, friendships, and the steps in growing up like marriage and kids; time waits for no one, in an instance it can be taken away. Stay true yourself bee, this lifestyle and mentality you are living is only going to do more bad than good. Breathe. Remember your goals. I gotta change my life man….

[Bee signed out]

DEAR DIARY

To be honest I’m thankful for the hard times because it wouldn’t make the good times that much enjoyable. That was my biggest problem: showing gratitude. Yes, life can be somewhat of a b**** but how quickly I forgot how far I’ve actually came. The hard times kind of prepare me to be more humble when things start to actually work out for me. Crazy. I just want to thank the heavens for not giving up on me and I want to thank myself for not giving up either. It’s a struggle to see the positive when everything around you is so negative; I get it, easier said than done. Nonetheless, this feeling of relief and joy I feel now that things are slowly coming together for me is amazing. Makes me wonder why the hell I was feeling so defeated before. Just another hurdle you have to get over in life to make it to the finish line. I don’t know how far I am or if I’ll even make it to the finish line before I am called home: I just know that at this very moment, I am kind of happy. Crazy again because I wasn’t this way last week; just goes to show how quickly your life/mood can change. Moments like this I can learn to appreciate the hard times because it made me stronger. It made me believe that things couldn’t get any worst so might as well go with the flow until you meet that curveball when everything shifts; that day is coming soon.

Thankful

[Bee signed out]

Dear Diary

It’s the ones you’ve known the longest that can create the deepest wounds. I guess I’m the bad guy even though I was the one who was wronged… is it wrong to confided in someone you think is there for you? Maybe it’s just wrong to assume that people actually rock with you. You’d be surprised who your enemies actually are. It’s the people who when y’all get into an argument they wanna expose everything you’ve ever told them. Those people are one of the worst people on the planet. Never to be trusted, never to be forgotten. I’ve learned to forgive but I’ve also learned to never forget. You ain’t coming back thinking we gon be cool…. NEVER! Once you’ve been cut there’s no going back. Keep your secrets and thoughts to yours because people only use those personal moments as weapons when it’s convenient and useful for them.

& those people who can chill around the same people you don’t fuck with… careful with them. What they say back to them when you ain’t there?

Mind your business and watch your pockets; people aren’t to be trusted.

[Bee signed out]

Dear Diary

It’s like every week I’m learning a new lesson. This weeks lesson: keep it to yourself. I mean everything!!! Your feelings, thoughts, emotions, goals, dreams, love, trust, respect, money, compassion, consideration, joy, energy, opinions, EVERYTHING! It doesn’t matter who you are or what you stand for to people if they don’t care then there’s no point in expressing yourself. So I will be staying mute and keeping my distance.

  • If I FINALLY get a boyfriend
  • If I win the lotto
  • If I’m feeling depressed
  • If I’m feeling angry
  • If I want a hug
  • If I achieved something I’ve been working hard on
  • If I get accepted into the school
  • if I’m pregnant
  • If I’m not cool with a mutual person
  • If someone I know just died

No one will know!! From this day forward: February, 25,2021. All accounts of my life will either be posted in short minor details on my blog or not said at all. The only person who will continue to hear my life story is my brother; unbiased and never talks what I say to him. The rest of the world will never gain my trust again.

Next step is removing all the negative energy and unnecessary people in my life. Good riddance and blessings always to those who are about to get CUT!

[Bee signed out]

Dear Diary

I’ve been lying to everyone around me about how I’m truly feeling. There’s no clear way of saying “leave me thee fuck alone” without causing problems. Always talking about being mentally drained and now you physically drained. Only reason you actually get out of bed is because there is money to be made; forget socializing. What’s the point in being around someone who doesn’t check for you like you’d check for them? It’s a waste of time and it’s sad to see myself in a “clown” state all because I have a big heart. Naive. With holding your true thoughts towards people because you just don’t have the energy for what comes after you’ve said your piece. There’s only been 5 people who have been checking for me so far this year: actually 6 but she’s far so she can’t do as much as the others. I am grateful for them. For the rest, may the heavens bless you because you will be gone out of my life soon. Holding onto unnecessary baggage is a big setback so y’all getting dropped off at the next exit.

[Bee signed out]

Dear Diary

When you don’t get what you want bee you turned into an arse! Why don’t you speak up more or stop letting people get what THEY want? Then because of that you slowly take your frustration out on everything…

What good is that getting you? How is that going to make you rich and more positive? Okay he cute, but y’all want different things so why not cut him off? Yes he feels and looks good but is that all you want? Okay they been your friends for years now but they don’t mean you no good, so why continue to deal with them? Yes they’ve came through for you a few times and made the parties lit but can you really say you trust them?? Sometimes things in life don’t go the way we want and that’s fine… you live and you learn…. but why continue to settle? Why not say okay this didn’t work then I should move on, why wallow? You gotta realize some day SOON that you matter too.

[Bee signed out]

Dear Diary

Hey…. it’s been a while since I’ve typed my thoughts out but there’s no time like the present. It’s a struggle to remain the kindhearted person I am when I just want to be heartless like everyone else. Like… I wanna not give a crap about what people think or who I hurt too!

Nah… that’s not me, sadly. You constantly give people the benefit of the doubt and they continuously show you that they aren’t any different from what you already thought they were. Trust your gut. We all know the golden rule: treat people the way you want to be treated. So what happens when people just treat people like assholes? Shouldn’t I treat them the same way? I mean screw them right? As tough as I sound, it’s easier said than done. There isn’t a situation that goes by where I am treated unfairly and I don’t want revenge; but in the same instant I choose to leave it alone and let karma deal with it.

I don’t ask for much… I just want real love and support: whether it’s from family, friends or my significant other. I just want; for once, people to show the kind of love I do. Am I asking for too much?

[Bee signed out]

Dear Diary

I just want to say, thank you. For all the blessings, trials and tribulations that I’ve been through. Everything happens for a reason, so regardless of what’s going on I want to thank the lord for giving me all these merciful blessings lately. I’ve been up and down about how I wanted to approach certain people but I’ve learned that you must portray the blessings you receive, I’m truly thankful for the more positive days that I’ve been experiencing lately. Although I am still going through ups and down, I am still blessed and highly favored. A bitch has been going through the mud and still trying to come out without any stains. Impossible. It might be but regardless I’m going to hold onto the fact that things change with purpose. My purpose is to move forward with more enlightenment. I’ve learned new things this past month that has opened my eyes to the behavior of myself and others. I wish everyone peace though because there are battles that you have no idea that someone is fighting. All the more reason for me to humble myself and realize that I’m not the only person going through some bullshit. That also means that for all the motherfuckers who are coming for me, they should just chill the fuck out. Do you even have an idea what it feels like to be me? Like walk a mile in my shoes for a second: you’d have bunions. The size wouldn’t fit perfectly, so you’d be upset every time you stepped in my shoes. Let’s strive for more, better. Let’s make new movements and wish better outcome for peoples lives that we’ve been doing now. 2021 is approaching and in all honesty: I want to be more peaceful in the new year. More entuned with the way I live my life. I’ve been stepping out of my usual self lately by asking about and linking up with people I wouldn’t normal ask for or chill with. The anonymity is dead. We all make mistakes and that’s life. I just know that moving forward, it is only up from here.

[Bee signed out]

DEAR DIARY

When shit hits the fan, you find out who truly has you. His story just makes you look at your own story like : “same shit, different pitch.” You truly see who has you when life seems to be beating your ass like HARPO! The same ones who couldn’t wait to touch road with you, the same ones who didn’t hesitate to call you, the same ones who would tell everyone how good friends you guys are-are the same ones who will leave you high and dry. If everything was bless, you guys would still be coming around; if everything was “gucci,” you’d be ringing off people’s phone. This is why I’ve realized that it seems wiser for me to move in silence. Help me understand: is it a conflict of interest, ya’ll decided to expose, or did you simply not fuck with people from the jump? Don’t be calling people your friends if you going to be moving on some dumb shit. The Code is broken, these people can’t listen to reason anymore because they just focused on the next bag, and EVERYONE is not realizing that the people who claim to love you, DON’T! I see men getting caught up in females who would never ride for them if push came to shove. I see females doing the most for males who undervalue their efforts. #Changethedynamic. This year has made me re-evaluate my friend/relationships and how I’m going to move going forward. Sitting there and listening to another person’s story about how you cannot truly trust or count on anyone, meanwhile you’re experiencing your own version of the bullshit is crazy. I used to see certain people in a different light and that has changed now. People are NOT who they claim to be. I hope we can both take this chapter in our lives and make it profitable. I’m glad I finally got a chance to talk to him because I can relate in part to what he’s going through. Too often we push aside the emotions of a male because people made a stigma that a guy having emotions is un-masculine. Men are people too, they feel and react just like anyone else. It’s just harder for a man to express sadness than a woman. Wrong is wrong, but if we all wrong then you have no right to be calling me out. Check for those who check for you, the rest are some bitches.

[Bee signed out]

Dear Diary

I just don’t care anymore.

It’s crazy how I’m constantly viewed as the bad guy but no one ever stops to see just how nice I am. I’ve let you guys talk down to me and fuck me over countless times but yet still don’t treat anyone as bad as they treat me. Now I ain’t no angel, I’ve messed up in a lot of areas in my life, but who hasn’t? I’ve sat down and listened to people call me crazy for still being cool with people who’ve done some foul shit. I’ve heard people say, “couldn’t be me” more times than I can count because I’ve decided to not be a dick towards someone who’s been a dick to me. My heart is set a certain way, my mother worked hard to instill decorum in her children so that for the most part we know we shouldn’t treat people a certain way. I am loud and rude, I know this: I’ve been working on bettering the way I approach the trials and tribulations of life. I just want to be happy. I want to wake up and not feel like I world is weighing heavy on my chest. I want to wake up and look in the mirror and not be disgusted by what I see. I want to wake up, walk outside, and just be grateful for life. If I continue down the path that I am on right now, I can’t see myself wanting much to do with life. I am not suicidal but at the same time, have you ever just felt like you’re living just to live? Like there’s no specific reason, you just go through each day doing the same routine for the same outcome with no hope that it will get better? That’s me mentally, but that shit has got to stop. This year has truly open my eyes to changes that need to be made in order for me to feel this happiness that I’ve been searching for; it’s time for a change.

So I don’t care anymore. I don’t care what anyone has to say about me. I don’t care about what anyone thinks about me. I don’t care about anyone who has showed me that they can not be counted on. I don’t care for men who want to play games. I don’t care for co-workers who don’t like me. I don’t care for the politics of gossiping. I don’t care for the total disregard of another persons’ feelings. I just don’t care anymore. My main focus is health and wealth. Shout out to me for holding down the fort so long in my life; I am my own best friend. Shout out the people who I’ve now realize are my true friends, I WILL see you guys at the top. Last but never least, although sometimes I want to stay asleep for a week I want to thank to lord for allowing me to wake up and see another day. It’s the little things that matter. #Changethedynamic .

[Bee signed out]

Dear Diary

I’ve made a big decision a couple days ago that may change how the rest of year goes. I’ve been putting it off and also contemplating if I should go through with it… Lately I’ve been back and forth with a few people about how I’ve been treating them and quite frankly I understand. I understand that I don’t not give a fuck anymore. Besides my family, there has only been 3 people who’ve been checking for me during this difficult time. So anyone else’s feelings are not AS important. I’m not saying that I don’t hear them loud and clear: I do need to step up in the friendship department but at the same time what the fuck about them? Should they be doing the same thing too? Anyways…. I’ve decided that I will talk to this guy; once and for all, to finally dead the issues. Get everything off my chest and see what happens from there. I’ve also decided that the old me is gone. I will no longer be the person I’ve been for past decade and I will also no longer be around a few people I’ve known or met in the last decade. change is important for a better life and it’s extremely important for my mental and physical health that I change my life now before it’s too late. I am not doing so good health wise and nobody knows what’s going on but this health issue has opened my eyes and made me realize that life is too short. At any point in time it could be our last so I am going to own this life I have left to live. I wish everyone all the best and I pray we all live long and prosperous lives. 💙

[Bee signed out]