Dear Diary

11:58pm.

I’m tired, zoning in and out, moody, and cold… I just want to get home. Cruising like I couldn’t careless; I usually speed… but today I’m doing the exact same number that speed limit sign says: 60. Car on cruise so I don’t have to keep my foot on the pedal… I’m still zoning out. Finally I “come to” and realize I’m catching up to a slow truck.. instead of braking my mind said to pass him. 67 as we go over a hill I see a truck coming on the opposite side… fuck. 103. Near miss. I almost died. If it wasn’t for the truck driver swerving his car just enough for my small car to fit perfectly, we would have hit. If it wasn’t for the heavens making that decision in the background to fix the situation, I probably wouldn’t be typing this right now. Creepy. I felt nothing. Not nervous, relieved, scared or shocked; it’s like I accepted my fate or I simply knew nothing was going to happen. I’m still not sure.

12:28am .

I got home and sat in my car for a bit thinking about what just happened and how I lacked any true emotions about it. Constantly in a rush with life, I made a decision that could have costed me everything: literally. lessons are always being learnt. Slow down. You rush into love, sex, being rich, working, friendships, and the steps in growing up like marriage and kids; time waits for no one, in an instance it can be taken away. Stay true yourself bee, this lifestyle and mentality you are living is only going to do more bad than good. Breathe. Remember your goals. I gotta change my life man….

[Bee signed out]

another week!

Grand rising folks and welcome to a new week. I will start by saying: thank you to the heavens for allowing us to see another Sunday morning, sleep in peace and bless those who didn’t make it to this far; we are thankful regardless. We have been given another chance to be great by waking up this morning, do not take that for granted. Go out and use the blessing you have been given to change your circumstance, better yourself, and help others. Remember, time waits for no one so don’t waste it being anything less than magical. I understand it’s hard to stay positive and hopeful in a world that seems so hopeless and negative; it’s an energy killer: one step forward, two steps back. Nonetheless, the gift of life is something to be truly grateful for and with that being said, let’s OWN this week!

Start the changes in your life that you’ve been putting off, have that conversation with that person you’ve been waiting for have, tell the person you are crushing on how you truly feel, or go for that promotion. Whatever it is in life that you’ve been hesitating on, make this week the priority for it. We don’t know what the future holds, by next Sunday some of us can be gone: you never know when it’s your time. Use the moments in time you have now to make a difference in the long term. You have the potential to be great, so use this week to make those changes that will benefit you in the long run. Remember to love each other and yourselves.

Have a safe, productive, and inspiring week.

Careless: Hurdle Completed.

It’s crazy because it took me so long to get to a place where I’m just mainly focused on me and my family. I just lost all the cares for anything or anyone else to be truly honest. I’ve always been the one to allow the nonsense because my heart is so big but I just don’t care anymore. It’s been a long time coming, choosing yourself first. Always been know to put others first and it never truly got me anywhere good, just another blow to the heart strings.

You’d think I’d feel a way about certain people no longer being in my life:

  • That’s family..
  • I thought you guys were mad close/best friends
  • Aren’t you god mom to her son?
  • Thought that was your twin
  • Didn’t you almost love him?
  • So it went from everyday to never again?

Couldn’t careless, it simply wasn’t mean to be. The questions roll in daily as more people figure out what’s happening and I answer them all the same: couldn’t careless. I couldn’t careless if I lose all my friends, I couldn’t careless if I never find a boyfriend, I couldn’t careless if people don’t like me, I couldn’t careless if my tone is too much, I couldn’t careless if you think I’m rude, I couldn’t careless if you want me to stop chilling around other men…

I stopped caring about anything that isn’t bringing me closer to the pearly gates, fattening my pockets, or helping my family. I’m not saying people and things currently in my life aren’t of importance; they are, I just couldn’t careless if they leave . I’ve gotten to a point in life where I just wanna be happy and feel happy. It’s one thing to be happy during certain times but I always wanna feel happy, and I’ve never truly been happy; always temporary. Now that my New Years resolution was to cut out the long talking, I’m super blunt now. The constant abuse, assumptions, and being labelled “the bad guy” has desensitized my heart into taking the bullshit people throw at me. One day soon I will be fully over the nonsense and embrace my new found love of life with the people and things that will keep my uplifted and positive. Blessings to you all and I hope one day you will also find the courage to want more for yourself.

We’ll see what’s bout to happen next; like drake said.

Weekly Vibes.

Happy Sunday Folks, it’s a new week so let’s give it all we’ve got. Stop running from or holding back your full potential; you’ve got this. It’s a new month also for us to reach the goals we tend to put off. For those who are still not working, a change will come for you soon. For those who are working or hustling, keep up with the grind it will pay off eventually. Keep up the faith also, I know times have been trying us a lot lately but never lose hope that there will be a better tomorrow. All the pain and suffering will finally be worth the end result.

So with that being said, stay safe, stay healthy, and stay focused. New week = new movements. Let’s push ourselves to achieve the best version of ourselves. Keep your mind focused on what’s important and forget about the doubters and negative people who might have something to say about your mission. Love yourz . 🙏🏿💖

Happy Sunday. 💫

The Bad Guy…

so what are you going to say at my funeral now that you’ve killed me? … Here lies the body of a loud, rambunctious yet kind-hearted woman who wouldn’t treat me the way I treated her…Here lies the woman who always gave people the benefit of the doubt even when her gut told her they shouldn’t be trusted… Rest In Peace, my turn up friend, who I fucked over. A true throat baby and the best listener. Ashes to ashes, dust to frenemies.

*beyonce voice*

RIP to her. Sleep now in peace from the heartless and confused, the bewildered and the belittling folks.

I’m always the bad guy…

  • You’re doing too much
  • You’re bipolar
  • It’s not that serious
  • Forget your principle
  • You’re fake
  • You’re too emotional
  • That was unnecessary
  • Deal with it

Some of things I hear when I react to the actions of others… Why don’t you guys ever call yourself out for your actions but it’s always the reaction that is important. How about we learn to stop doing the dumb shit we do and maybe there wouldn’t be a negative reaction…? Doesn’t that make more sense then coming for someone? It’s crazy because when placed in a similar position, people either act the same way you do or worst sometimes. Maybe you are at a point in life where you couldn’t careless, but I am not. I still have feelings: maybe not as strong but they are definitely still there. So EXCUSSSSSE ME for not putting up with the constant bullshit. You wanted a bad guy, here she is.

To all the people who took my kindness for weakness or will attempt to, today is a new day. I don’t care who you are or where you are in life, the foot is coming down. From now on the brute force will be coming down. Oh so you thought that I was going to give you all this love and attention forever? NOPE! You don’t realize the great thing in front of you, it’s time we showed it to someone else. Oh so you thought because we’ve known each other so long, you can’t be completely cut off? It’s funny because I’ve been going through a situation with a few ex-friends this past week and they all messaged me and said to delete/block them… I laughed, wanna know why? THEY WERE ALREADY DELETED! You see there this thing called emotional intelligence and I have a HIGH IQ! I can feel the energy coming before it even hits and I take action before you do. This is another reason why males don’t like me so much because I always end things before they do. I can feel the distance, the fuckery, the lack of love, or simply when someone doesn’t really rock with you the same way anymore. Notice is posted and I respond accordingly.

With that being said, the heart is cold. Now I am not saying I am heartless now, I’m just cold. If you want to warm my heart you gotta do more now than ever before. That benefit of the doubt shit is DONE: if someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them. NEXT! “Blood is thicker than water.” At the end of the day, you’re own family can not have your best interest in mind. You’re own family members can be the ones to nail the metaphorical nail into the coffin of your mind. So to that phrase I say… “Shut the hell up, family ain’t shit either.” When you realize family ain’t shit also, the whole world turns into an enemy. ABSOLUTE DISTRUST FOR ANYONE! I wish that sibling all the best in life and I’ll be sure to remain in the lives of their offsprings because I love them regardless, but I only have ONE sibling now.

Introducing the Bad guy: Me. You were the one wronged and the whole world is now against you. How could you be so selfish, so chatty, so fake, so inconsiderate? How could you ask questions? How could share the secret? How could you lie about the story? How could you tell the other person that people were talking shit about them? How could you?!?! Why would you? They all thought you were better than that, but what about them? How come they betrayed you? How come they can sit and talk shit about you like you just weren’t there a couple days ago? How come they can laugh at your pain? How come they can call you the bad guy and high five each other for being “real” ? Simple. They don’t care. So why exactly should you? I now have no problem with being the bad guy. I’ll take all your shit talking, all the blows to the chest, all the fake love, and the fake expressions. I take it all. Just remember, so will you.

Screw you. All of you. You potential partners and partners that deem our request for more INVALID, Fuck you. Why is it such a big problem that we want to be treated better as lovers? We want to be heard, we want the same love we show you back, we want to be the ONLY ONE not the main or the temporary until you find someone better! SCREW YOU for calling us names and degrading our character simply because we just want to be treated like human beings. Now for you poor excuse of friends and family members: SCREW YOU TO HELL! Yes I said, SCREW YOU RIGHT TO HELL! You specific type of humans are useless! Oh I still wish you guys the best but the karma will come for you all one day and I’ll be DAMNED IF YOU DO NOT SEE ME LAUGHING! Yes, laughing at your pain. Too bad, So Sad. Ive lost all my cares for anyone who fits this category.

They always make us out to be the bad guys but what exactly are they? I mean if they were doing shit right, we wouldn’t have reacted the way we did correct? So what are they? They have made us out to be the horrid ones to anyone who can listen. They laugh at us with their homeboys/girls because we want to love them and they just looking for something quick. Funny.

This time the jokes on them and they are in for a treat.

cause the same ones talking shit, do so-so you can’t see… and the same ones to diss you, turn around and try to make a comeback. HA!

#TheBadGuy .👿

Dear Diary

It’s the ones you’ve known the longest that can create the deepest wounds. I guess I’m the bad guy even though I was the one who was wronged… is it wrong to confided in someone you think is there for you? Maybe it’s just wrong to assume that people actually rock with you. You’d be surprised who your enemies actually are. It’s the people who when y’all get into an argument they wanna expose everything you’ve ever told them. Those people are one of the worst people on the planet. Never to be trusted, never to be forgotten. I’ve learned to forgive but I’ve also learned to never forget. You ain’t coming back thinking we gon be cool…. NEVER! Once you’ve been cut there’s no going back. Keep your secrets and thoughts to yours because people only use those personal moments as weapons when it’s convenient and useful for them.

& those people who can chill around the same people you don’t fuck with… careful with them. What they say back to them when you ain’t there?

Mind your business and watch your pockets; people aren’t to be trusted.

[Bee signed out]

Dear Diary

It’s like every week I’m learning a new lesson. This weeks lesson: keep it to yourself. I mean everything!!! Your feelings, thoughts, emotions, goals, dreams, love, trust, respect, money, compassion, consideration, joy, energy, opinions, EVERYTHING! It doesn’t matter who you are or what you stand for to people if they don’t care then there’s no point in expressing yourself. So I will be staying mute and keeping my distance.

  • If I FINALLY get a boyfriend
  • If I win the lotto
  • If I’m feeling depressed
  • If I’m feeling angry
  • If I want a hug
  • If I achieved something I’ve been working hard on
  • If I get accepted into the school
  • if I’m pregnant
  • If I’m not cool with a mutual person
  • If someone I know just died

No one will know!! From this day forward: February, 25,2021. All accounts of my life will either be posted in short minor details on my blog or not said at all. The only person who will continue to hear my life story is my brother; unbiased and never talks what I say to him. The rest of the world will never gain my trust again.

Next step is removing all the negative energy and unnecessary people in my life. Good riddance and blessings always to those who are about to get CUT!

[Bee signed out]

Now & Forever

There comes a point in time where enough is enough. You’ve lost the care you once had, the love you once showed, and the desire you once gave. Now you’re cold; immune to the negativity that you just accept it now. Accept that things won’t work out for you, accept that your are who you are, and the world will remain how it is.

Truth or Fiction?

It’s either “Now or never” or “Now and forever.”

Life is filled with SOBs ( sons of bitches) and you just gotta deal with it. You can’t make people change if they do not see where they need to change. People have a way of only seeing their faults when there’s a cloud of tension in a room or when someone who’s actual opinion they value shows them. SOB. Now and forever something has to change: whether it’s your or them; more than likely it will be you.

Standing up for yourself is one of the best feelings in the world: showing people that you are done putting up with the blatant nonchalant attitude that people show you. Where are these people when you’re hungry? Where are these people when you need a shoulder to lean on? Where are these people when you feel like giving up? Where are these people when the bills are stacked too high for you to manage? Where are these people when you want to be loved? Nowhere.

It’s Now or never folks.

Or it’s Now and Forever.

Fuck living for others and live for you and your true loved ones. A “friend” is such a term that is constantly misused to describe the people you hang around. A “lover” is such an undeserving word for someone who doesn’t have your best interest in mind. So fuck em! If you can’t find genuine love and support from your friends, family, or partner…. then FUCK EM! You will continue to be depressed and lash out at the ones who DO have your best interest. You will continue to doubt your worth and second guess your capabilities with the ball of negative people around you. #changethedynamic . If you want more for yourself you gotta demand more! They think you are weak, gullible, and easy to manipulate… show them how wrong they are. Show them your power, dignity, and strength; take the trash in your life to the curb!

It’s Now or Never.

Or Now and Forever folks.

You either nip in the bud now and forever. Or read my words now and never speak on it. Your choice, choose wisely.

Dear Diary

Forgive me.

  • forgive me for wanting more
  • Forgive me for forgetting
  • Forgive me for trying to love someone
  • Forgive me for leaving the church
  • Forgive me for believing you were my friend
  • Forgive me for being so blind
  • Forgive me for the useless money spending
  • Forgive me for yelling
  • Forgive me for swearing
  • Forgive for hating myself
  • Forgive me for hating my body
  • Forgive me for the doubt
  • Forgive me for my empty heart

[Bee signed out]

Dear Diary

When you don’t get what you want bee you turned into an arse! Why don’t you speak up more or stop letting people get what THEY want? Then because of that you slowly take your frustration out on everything…

What good is that getting you? How is that going to make you rich and more positive? Okay he cute, but y’all want different things so why not cut him off? Yes he feels and looks good but is that all you want? Okay they been your friends for years now but they don’t mean you no good, so why continue to deal with them? Yes they’ve came through for you a few times and made the parties lit but can you really say you trust them?? Sometimes things in life don’t go the way we want and that’s fine… you live and you learn…. but why continue to settle? Why not say okay this didn’t work then I should move on, why wallow? You gotta realize some day SOON that you matter too.

[Bee signed out]

Without Feelings..

I look around to see the mix of hopelessness and hopefulness in the world.

I see people pushing through the day even while in the midst of turmoil.

I see the many displays of character on social media.

I see the changes in the air as we dive deeper into the winter season.

I see a lack of concern.

I see my failures.

I see my wins.

I see the smile on the pretty ladies’ face as she waits in the cold for the next bus.

I see the pain and the strength in the world.

I see no changes.

I see too many changes.

I sit behind the scene and watch as the people around me cry out.

I sit back and watch the world slowly burn.

I sit back and enjoy the company I keep.

I sit back and regret the company I keep.

Without feelings you get a different perspective about life. Without the emotions that may conflict how we respond to any specific situation, you can get an idea of something bigger than yourself. I look outside the window as the snow falls silently and my mind is clear; nothing negative, nothing positive… just clear. Step outside your feelings with me; look around you, what do you see? Take a look outside your window, what do you see? If I look around me right now all I see is darkness, but within that darkness is a sense of hopefulness. If I look around me I also notice the lack of concern for things that should be a concern. Too caught up in emotions, my place is dirty. I got one week left of clothes because I’ve just been so withdrawn mentally from doing any up keep. I still smile and have fun while pretending I’m not mentally going under. There’s no one to talk to that will understand. There’s no one to talk to that might relate, so I sit here typing without feelings. The snow is beautiful; quiet. Music playing faintly from my speakers and the exhale of marijuana smoke from my lips is all I hear. Without feelings I’ve finally figured out what my problem is: I sell myself short. I procrastinate, I shy away from responsibility, I lack consideration for others, myself, and I have my priorities mixed up.

Focus.

Focused.

The mind is the most power tool you have, it can either be damaging or it could be the very thing that saves you from being damaged. I see a lot of damaged people and people who are trying to keep themselves from becoming apart of the same group. I see smiles with hidden agendas and genuine ones. I see frowns and expressionless faces. I see beauty and I see beasts. I see poverty and riches galore. I see death and birth. What do you see? What do you WANT to see? Change starts within. My place is now clean, clothes washing and drying, dogs fed, showered and feeling refreshed. Surprisingly, my mind is not negative today. I got Kid Cudi bumping loudly through my speakers while I sit back and enjoy today…….

Without feelings.

Dear Diary

Hey…. it’s been a while since I’ve typed my thoughts out but there’s no time like the present. It’s a struggle to remain the kindhearted person I am when I just want to be heartless like everyone else. Like… I wanna not give a crap about what people think or who I hurt too!

Nah… that’s not me, sadly. You constantly give people the benefit of the doubt and they continuously show you that they aren’t any different from what you already thought they were. Trust your gut. We all know the golden rule: treat people the way you want to be treated. So what happens when people just treat people like assholes? Shouldn’t I treat them the same way? I mean screw them right? As tough as I sound, it’s easier said than done. There isn’t a situation that goes by where I am treated unfairly and I don’t want revenge; but in the same instant I choose to leave it alone and let karma deal with it.

I don’t ask for much… I just want real love and support: whether it’s from family, friends or my significant other. I just want; for once, people to show the kind of love I do. Am I asking for too much?

[Bee signed out]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Good morning everyone,

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Reflecting on 2020: it’s been a trying year; alongside dealing with the pandemic: I also learned a lot of about myself and my surroundings. Some things that took place this year were completely out of my control, while the things I could control, I didn’t control well. This year my goal is to #changethedynamic. Putting aside the ill-regards, the fake behavior, the self-pity or doubt, and simply moving in a more positive direction for my life. It’s about time I stopped hoping for change and actually went out and made changes. To those who I have left behind in 2020, I wish them all the best. I pray they receive wealth, health, and wisdom in their journey of life, I just know that our chapter has ended. Me leaving certain people behind isn’t meant to be taking as a diss, It’s just that I ONLY want the people who check for me the most around me during these new life changes. I want to make sure the right energy is around me constantly and I want only people who genuinely want what’s best for me around. I still have respect and love for them but I just know our interaction won’t be the same starting this year.

With all that being said, use this year as your “turn around” year. I know there’s not a lot to do with this whole quarantine, but still use this time to perfect that star quality you’ve been waiting to showcase. This is the year I entered a new stage in my life and I want to make sure I get it right this time. I abused my 20s: carefree and careless, I decided I was going to do what I want- when I want. Reckless and idiotic. I could have been somewhere else in my life if I had the knowledge and focus I have now. If I wasn’t so caught up in the freedom, I would have truly applied myself more. Nonetheless, my 20s taught me many things that will make me successful in my pursuit of happiness now. So here’s to a new year filled with hopes and realistic dreams, and a new year with mental clarity and self-love, a year filled with growing wealth and perfect health.

WELCOME TO 2021! MAY IT BE FILLED WITH BLESSINGS!

WINNING WEDNESDAY!

Good morning everyone, I hope you have all been keeping safe and staying entuned with your star player.

I don’t know about anyone else but it’s been crazy since the last time I posted. My apologies for the late “new week” post, life just was moving too fast for me lately. I just want to start this off by saying that I am truly thankful for another week. I hope you are also. Blessings to all my readers and loved ones who have made it to see another week alongside me. Sleep in peace to those who didn’t make it to see this new day or previous days before. Life comes at you fast and sometimes you aren’t prepared for it; that is in part why I haven’t been posting as often. Now that time has slowed down a little bit, I am back with a lot of things to post about.

These days being positive has really been a huge task for me, it’s like no matter how hard I try something always seems to mess things up. I don’t know if it’s me, people I interact with, or simply a cosmic energy but yah girl has been drained lately. Thrown the towel in on life because it’s too much, but staying hopeful has changed that dynamic. I am thankful for my life, I am thankful for my body being able to do the tasks it needs to during the day, I am thankful that I ate today, and I am thankful that every day alive is a new day to make changes to my life. Thing get pretty bleak sometimes but there is always new beginnings waiting for you just over the horizon of your mental thoughts. Train your mind to think more positive and uplifting things. Speak blessings into existence. Trials and tribulations will always comes and a lot of the times you aren’t prepared for it, but keeping a clear, encouraging mind will help guide you through your toughest times. There are days when I don’t even feel like interacting with the outside world: I’d call in sick when absolutely nothing is physically wrong it’s just mental. Taking the time out to know and love yourself, heal your mind and heart, and tend to the most important goals you have in life in the long run will help you become a more content person. It’s not always about being better I should say, it’s about feeling better. We can all wear fake smiles, why not for once show one that is genuine? Leave the “relying on others or materialistic things to make you happy” alone and embrace the beauty of YOU!

Although we are already deep into the week, my wish for you all this is week is that you find peace, love, and happiness in your daily lives. I hope the struggles and the storms you are going through right now lighten up soon, and may your mind be at ease to allow positivity to cultivate in it. Thank you for reading and supporting. Let’s have an amazing Hump Day, and continue to #changethedynamic.

Upcoming Updates!

Happy Monday folks, everyone stay safe and warm today: it’s a cold morning.

I hope you guys are ready to take on all the new exciting things that are about to happen in your life. First, you gotta claim it! Claim your blessings and own your magic.

I have some upcoming projects I will be dropping in addition to this blog. This is still be the main source of me but I’m also willing to show more sides. In the new year, I will be dropping two new projects for you guys to check out. My new YouTube Channel and new podcast.

TRT presents: Stoned Blows! This will showcase my chill stoner side jammed packed with interviews, Motivational segments, rants, call ins, and more. So roll up and let’s take on the world together every Sunday and Friday starting Jan 1st. 💫🎙

The Real Truth will also be showcased on YouTube. If you’re not really a reader than sit back and watch me vlog some of the events in my life. Tune in for the 100-joints challenge, throwbacks, guest appearances, night life, date nights, and exclusive interviews on my new podcast. This will be dropping sometime in January, just waiting for one last detail. 🎬

Thank you guys for all the support and welcome to all my new readers. This isn’t possible without y’all allowing me to be me and in the end rocking with me. Sending positive vibes and love your way, have a great Monday . 💙

Like, comment, share, and subscribe when it drops! 🔑🔑🔑