Dear Diary

Good morning sadness, my ol nemesis… how wonderful of you to show up when you are not needed. How lovely of you to showcase your true colours by interrupting my bliss with your never ending cycles – random cycles. What is wrong with me today? Why do I wake up feeling this way? No bad dreams- I didn’t even dream last night. No horrid conversations- I spoke to a sexy sounding man till a fell asleep and it was fine. What is wrong now? I stand around and everyone asks me what is wrong but I truly do not know, today I just feel quiet. Today I just feel like I want to be alone. I didn’t want to come to work, let alone wake up for it but here I am. Sitting on a toilet in the AM – not even using it just typing away my frustration to the online world like anyone truly cares. Pondering what could be the reason: I mean yes- people close to me have recently died and it’s still hard to process but I’m fine. I think. Maybe this is the thing about grieving, it never fully goes away even if you’re tears have temporarily dried up. I just know that is not it… maybe my body sense an upcoming doom… or maybe I’m just mentally tired of putting on a brave face that today my face just said fuck it… whatever it is that has been unwilling to socialize, I hope it is not permanent. You work so hard to improve your mental health, then BOOM…. right back to depression and unexplained mood swings. *sighs*

[Bee signed out]

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