Death to a feeling

For 15 years I set out on a mission to find a love that would be mine. I searched high and LOW for someone I could call my own. Zero luck. I’m writing this as someone who’s never had a boyfriend. To be honest, I’m not exactly sure why this is; I understand I was a virgin for a very long time so that made things a little difficult but that’s not the case now. I couldn’t tell you without a doubt what is wrong with me and why things never worked out with men: I’m just as clueless as you are. I understand I have my downfalls, but I don’t see myself as that messed up as a person for me not to deserve love. I’ve been through some crazy situations with men; as you guys already know, it got so bad that I end up forgetting about men for a little and had some fun with females. Although it was fun, a woman could not fill that feeling I was looking for in a partner.

I believed for a long time I had no blame in the issues with me and the opposite sex, I learned I did play my part. My high emotional levels has pushed a few guys away in the past. Me simply being the needy person that I am, I guess that kind of turned men off. My high temper problems would see me lash out first and apologize later. My defense mechanism was that I’d simply ignore a guy rather than having an adult conversation about whatever was the issue. In my mind, I didn’t like to repeat myself and the problem I noticed with a lot of the guys I talked to, they’d continue to do that same things I had an issue with. So after a while, what’s the point in arguing about the same thing? I understand my part, but do they understand theirs?

Death to a feeling.

Unfortunately, the quest for love has hit a snooze. As I reach a new milestone, I’ve realize that I’ve wasted years of my life doing all these things for others and I have nothing to show for myself. I followed friends and ran behind men, only to be the one left standing out in the cold when the night was over. They went on to live their lives: becoming successful, getting married and having kids, finding new love, finding new friends; most importantly, finding new opportunities while I stayed in the same situation. Back on the prowl looking for bae, posting subliminal messages about fake friends, and simply holding onto the feelings of disrespect that I felt towards people. It’s gotten me no where.

June is here and it’s a big deal me for because I’m about to enter a new stage in life. I don’t know what the future holds for me but I pray that the heavens have mercy on me and bless me with the strength to reach all these goals I have now. This year has awoken something new inside me, something I can’t really explain to you all in words but my actions should be able to paint a picture. It’s time I got my life. I know what I want now and it’s no longer a man. If I am blessed with a boyfriend soon, it will only be by pure chance. I am no longer looking to validate myself in others. I am no longer interested in my happiness being the result of my surroundings. I am making peace with the messed up decisions I’ve made on the pursuit of love and happiness. I forgive everyone. I hope you all will forgive me also for the way that I was acting before and the way I am going to act now. This new decade is MINE.

Death to a feeling.

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